Sometimes a conversation needs a pause more than it needs another explanation.
Last weekend during our usual Sunday breakfast together, my husband was thinking out loud about how something might work. He was walking through the mechanics, and I was trying to follow. But the longer he explained, the less sense it made to me. I could feel my brain starting to shut off.
Neither of us started the conversation looking for tension. He was working through an idea and I wanted to understand it. But we were getting stuck, and I could see how continuing might leave us both frustrated.
So I paused and said something like, “I can imagine this is frustrating because I’m not understanding. I wonder if we could focus on the opportunity instead of the mechanics because I'm not sure if it's going to become clear to me.”
That helped us move forward.
I see things like this in money conversations all the time. One person raises a concern, hoping their partner will understand why it matters. Their partner feels confused, or hears criticism, and starts reacting in ways that create more tension.
Both came in with the best intentions. And if this happens often enough, they might come in bracing for it.
It’s very tempting to push through a conversation like this. Just one more explanation will help. But continuing in the same way can add to the tension.
That’s the moment to pause and try again.
You don’t have to find the perfect words. You could say, “I’m starting to hear this as criticism, and I want to understand what you’re concerned about. Can we back up?” Or, “I think I jumped into reassuring you before I understood. What are you most concerned about?”
The pause gives you a chance to notice what’s happening and choose your next response.
Here's to trying again,
Dee
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