What Gottman Gets Right About Money
You may have seen the quick clip I shared in the past of a client couple recognizing the third Horseman in Gottman’s research, defensiveness. That’s what I find so valuable about using Gottman’s work as a framework for money conversations. It gives you a shared language to spot what’s really happening mid-stream in your talks.
That awareness helps you shift the tone as it’s happening (or repair after). It gives us compassion for ourselves and each other, knowing the why of why things go sideways. It also gives hope that it’s possible to have those conversations in more positive ways.
The Gottman Framework
This is exactly what we talked about last week on the Stronger Marriage Connection podcast, featured on my Media & Podcasts page. If you want to go straight to the Gottman part, it’s at 9:48.
The Gottman Institute has been around for decades and has helped so many couples navigate their relationships. The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” is just a name for the four most common destructive communication patterns:
Criticism: “You always…” instead of a simple complaint
Contempt: sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mocking that damages trust
Defensiveness: protecting yourself by shifting blame
Stonewalling: shutting down, tuning out, or walking away
There’s no shame in it. We all do it from time to time (or a lot). But that doesn’t make it okay. It’s destructive, and there are much better ways to communicate that create connection.
When couples learn to identify these patterns and interrupt them, it changes everything. Their money. Their relationship.
How This Connects to Wealth Together
That’s one of the important layers of Wealth Together—your relationship with each other around money. It’s possible to normalize those conversations so they become “no big deal.” And with that partnership, you can make exponentially more progress building a secure financial future.
Start Noticing Your Patterns
Heck, you could start now by taking the Money Talks Quiz! Are you the Side-Steppers, the Sparring Partners, the Circlers, or the Builders?
After the quiz, you’ll have the option to download a WealthTalk Starter Kit to start making changes right away. It’s not the full guide that’s inside the program, but it’s a great place to start.
Ask Yourself:
Think back on your last money talk. If you remember feeling stress, what was the reason for that? Do you remember one of the Horsemen showing up?
Or, if you simply can’t remember your last money talk because you avoid them, why is that? What were they like in the past? Which Horseman was showing up?
Now take the quiz!
🎙️PODCAST SPOTLIGHT
Want to hear this conversation in action?
Watch on YouTube, or listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. We talked about Gottman’s Four Horsemen and how they show up in our money conversations. The Gottman part starts around minute 9:48
