Interrupting Money Patterns Before They Derail Your Relationship
If you've been paying attention to your money conversations lately, you may be observing some of your internal responses as you enter those with your partner. That's good. That internal awareness is key to understanding what's happening.
But now that you understand what's happening, you might be thinking it's time to fix it. Well, it is, sort of. But probably not in the way that you think. And that's not because you're doing anything wrong. Better tools, rules, and plans won't stop the tension. Fixing assumes you can stay regulated long enough to apply solutions. But most couples can't yet, even with insight.
Why interrupting comes before fixing
So the real "solution" at this point is to create the emotional safety that is so foundational. We do this by interrupting the pattern. By changing the direction of the moment, rather than trying to resolve the problem that the conversation is about.
I know you want to solve the problem. But as you've already discovered, that can't be accomplished safely without changing the dynamics between you and your partner. This is why my RISE framework includes a phase called Interrupt. In the earlier phase, Reflect, you see the patterns. In Interrupt, you begin to change the direction of those conversations. It's not solving the money issue. It's not reaching agreement... yet. And it's not always staying calm. It's creating the environment for solving problems.
When interrupting works (and when
it doesn’t)
To begin, it's important that there is:
an awareness of the pattern
a shared wish not to derail the relationship
a growing appreciation for differences
an openness to try something new, and imperfect
Without these conditions, interruption itself can feel volatile or destabilizing. Even a pause or restart can land the wrong way.
What interrupting looks like in real life
So where do we begin? This is where Gottman’s Four Horsemen, and their antidotes, are helpful. If you're familiar with the horsemen, you may be able to name what shows up the most in your money conversations: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling. For all of them, the specific interrupts can help you respond before these take over. They're preventative, not corrective. You're not necessarily erasing conflict, but you're stopping it from escalating. Your emotions are regulated and there is a foundation of emotional safety.
Interrupts are simple in concept: they can include a soft restart (even after a rough start), a pause with a promise to return, and an acknowledgment of your internal state. But they're not easy. I get that. These moments are emotionally loaded and relationally risky. You don't struggle because you don't know what to do, or because you don't want change. You struggle because you're under stress.
If you need help with this, coaching is the place where stabilization is reinforced. We can practice interrupts safely, and your capacity will build over time.
Just remember, you don't need to fix money yet. You need to interrupt the patterns before they cause more damage to your relationship. Once interruption is possible, deeper change can follow. And then, those systems and strategies will work... because the relationship can hold them now.
Interruption isn't about solving the problem. It's about protecting the relationship long enough for solutions to exist.
If you'd like to identify where interruption is needed in your money conversations, the Money Talks Quiz is a good way to start.
