When Money Conversations Go Sideways

How to use Gottman’s Four Horsemen antidotes to restore, or build, real teamwork.

I know. Even when you want to have better money conversations, even when you’ve read the books and tried to stay calm—sometimes it still goes sideways.

You were just talking about summer travel plans or how to pay off the credit cards. And the next thing you know, it gets tense, someone shuts down, and you both walk away frustrated.

This is where a lot of couples get stuck.

Not because something is wrong with them. But because no one ever showed them how to navigate the frustration or misunderstandings that will show up in money conversations.

And they show up because we typically have very different money histories and perspectives! 

Your conversations don’t have to look perfect. You don’t have to agree on everything. But you do need the ability to have them. And find your way back when they go sideways.

Conflict is normal. Every couple has it.

The danger is when conflict turns into disconnection—when you no longer feel emotionally safe, heard, or understood. When you stop trying.

Money stress can trigger old patterns, deep fears, and long-standing resentments. And if you’re already wired differently when it comes to money? It’s easy to feel like your partner doesn’t get it. Or worse, doesn’t get you.

But disconnection isn’t permanent. Connection can be built. Even if you’ve never had it before.

What gets in the way? The Four Horsemen

Relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman identified four patterns that predict disconnection with amazing accuracy. I see these show up all the time in money conversations. And personally? Since I started using this language in my coaching, I’ve seen it in my own life, too:

• Criticism: Attacking personality or character
  "You always blow the budget. That’s ridiculous."

• Contempt: Mocking, belittling, or showing disrespect
  “Wow, do you seriously think that’s how investing works?”

• Defensiveness: Making excuses or shifting blame
  “Well, maybe if you actually told me what was going on… !”

• Stonewalling: Silent treatment. Shutting down. Walking away.
  Silent treatment. Shutting down. Walking away.

These are normal responses when we’re overwhelmed. But they hurt, not help. In fact, they lead to resentment, shutdown, and feeling like you’re fighting each other instead of the problem.

The antidotes: Small shifts, but big impact

The antidotes to these patterns are learnable. And they work.

💬 Instead of criticism, try this gentle approach:
"I felt anxious when I saw the balance. Can we look at it together?"

💜 Instead of contempt, build appreciation:
"I know we see things differently, but I really value how much you care about security."

🛑Instead of defensiveness, take responsibility:
"You’re right. I forgot those charges were coming our way. Let’s figure out a better system."

🙏Instead of stonewalling, learn to regulate your emotions and re-engage:
"I need a break, but I want to come back to this. Can we talk after dinner?"

These may sound simple. But they’re powerful. Can I say that again? 

They are powerful.

And they can turn that conflict into connection. 

Want to Practice a “WealthTalk” conversation?

I teach couples how to have low-drama, high-trust conversations about money using a simple framework called the WealthTalk Guide. 

You may not need months (or years) of inner work to change your money dynamic. You just need a different approach. A way to navigate tough moments when (not if) they get tense.

Here’s your first step:
💬 Take the Money Talks Quiz.
It’ll help you identify your communication style, what’s getting in the way, and how to shift toward teamwork.

And here’s what’s coming!

The elves are working on it (okay, just one—her name is Angela and she’s amazing!). Soon, the quiz will be interactive and online, with personalized results and follow-up.

You’ll receive a custom mini-guide, the WealthTalk Starter Kit, based on your results. So you can start seeing what’s possible for the two of you.

👉 Take the Quiz
It’s a step toward more connection—and a financial life that feels better for both of you.