Seeing Your Partner Again
When appreciation fades
We all experience this: as life gets busy and the responsibilities pile up, something sneaky happens in our relationships. Our appreciation for our partner, and all the qualities we fell in love with, start to dim.
It's not because we don't love them anymore, but because we're reacting to life, trying to keep up. Managing schedules, work, kids, finances. All that "adulting" stuff. And in it and through it all, we sometimes bump up against each other. Not so gently sometimes, forgetting that we're two very different people, with different temperament and different ways of seeing things!
Ironically, many of the qualities we were drawn to early on can become the very things that irritate us now, especially under stress. Whether it's busyness, ongoing friction, or something bigger, we stop seeing what's right in front of us. We stop seeing the good stuff, whether big or small. And when that happens, we lose the joy in our relationship.
When stress takes over
It can be mild, or it can be much more intense. Maybe criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or shutdown have become frequent unwelcome guests in your relationship. These are the patterns John Gottman calls the Four Horsemen, and they show up most often when a relationship is under prolonged stress.
While my work focuses on money, money touches everything, and everything touches money. So I can see when a relationship is strained, whether the presenting issue is finances or something else. That's why Gottman emphasizes the need to intentionally rebuild "fondness and admiration." When stress takes over, our view of our partner narrows. We begin to focus on what's wrong, what's missing, or what's hard. Cherishing, instead, widens that view again.
It doesn't mean ignoring real problems. It's just remembering who you're building with before you try to solve them. And if you're thinking about how you want to handle money together in the new year, it will be important to reconnect with this foundation first.
Why cherishing matters so much
The practice of cherishing is especially needed and powerful, as an antidote to contempt, the second horseman. Contempt isn't just about hurting feelings or criticism. It's when we've developed a negative belief about who our partner is, not just what they do.
But cherishing can help restore belief in your partner. It reminds you of their character, strengths, and qualities that originally made you choose them. It restores an emotional climate where future conversations, including money conversations, can be fruitful.
A simple practice to try this week
So here's something I'd love for you to do this week. Think about several positive qualities you’ve seen in your partner this past week. As you reflect on these, consider:
How you noticed these qualities when you first met
How others experience them
How you see them show up in your life together now
Then, if it feels right:
Write a short "love note" to your partner (or simply text)
Or share what you’re thinking with them during a quiet moment
Or simply think on your reflections privately
Carrying this into the new year
You might even find this to be something you want to do almost daily, as a meaningful practice to notice and name. Fondness and admiration does not happen automatically in our lives among the busyness and stress. Especially the telling part. Instead, it fades unless we're intentional about it. Naming what we admire will help us reconnect with who our partner truly is, even while holding space for the things we wish were different.
If part of your hope for 2026 includes improving your financial partnership, this kind of emotional work matters. It stabilizes your relationship for both the deeper and more practical work.
So in the spirit of Christmas, regardless of where your religious beliefs land, do this practice to usher in the hope of healing, freedom, joy, and renewal that is the promise of Christmas. And carry that into the new year. Remember why this partnership you're in is worth tending to. And let it be Good News in your life, together! ❤️🎄
