Back to Routine, Still Stuck With Money
“We’re back in the swing of things… why doesn’t that include our money?”
Most of us are settling back into the January rhythm—returning to work, school, schedules, and routines. There’s a centering effect to that. I like it. Motivation is typically high too. We’re open to trying new things, exercising more discipline toward goals, and getting focused.
With all of that comes expectations, whether spoken or unspoken (or written down as goals). And somewhere in there, we assume our money will “settle down too.” But what often happens instead is the same patterns show up that frustrated us in the past, and a quiet disappointment creeps in.
“Why does this keep happening, even when we’re trying?”
We love each other. We want this year to be different. We’re motivated. We’re willing to be disciplined. We’ve even committed to it out loud, saying, “We’re not doing that again this year.” But still… the same conversations, attitudes, and reactions appear.
When a familiar pattern shows up again
I noticed this myself recently, in a moment that surprised me. One particular day was stacked with a few very minor issues, nothing big on their own, but they showed up as something familiar—defensiveness, what Gottman calls the third Horseman. I brought up a complaint (or was it criticism?), and the response was defensiveness. I felt the impact of that immediately, not feeling heard. That hurts. And instead of calmly addressing it, I ran away from it. I walked away carrying the hurt rather than repairing, so we could both feel better and more connected. And in that moment, I realized something important: this happens, even when you care and you know better.
When money patterns spill into
the relationship
Most importantly, we don’t want to let these patterns get grooved into our relationship. When they repeat, they spill into other areas, even when the original issue itself is small. And when it’s happening around money, the impact can feel much bigger, eroding your relationship, making your financial foundation feel shaky, and creating a dim and uncertain future.
This isn’t a failure of effort or character
When these patterns keep showing up, they’re revealing something important, not about who’s right or wrong, but about the patterns that live between two people, especially under stress. So what do we do? Some couples push harder and fight. Some shut down. Some circle the same conversations with the same results. And some carry the hurt and pressure quietly instead of speaking.
Why recognition comes first
Rather than forcing ourselves to do better, the work starts with recognition. Understanding the pattern. With my recent “oops” with my husband, simply recognizing the pattern, and even the Horseman, was helpful. It gives us more ability to repair sooner and more effectively the next time.
A little help
Would you like a little help discovering how you tend to communicate about money together? You can take my Money Talks Quiz to recognize your pattern, understand it better, and get some fresh ideas for approaching conversations in a way that feels calmer and more productive. And when you want it, you can also learn about a deeper assessment that helps couples see the full picture.
Let’s turn good intentions into real change. Here’s wishing you all the things you’re hoping for in 2026!
